Report

Name: Yudhoyono, S.B

Class: Javanese upper

Geography: His knowledge of Javanese geography enabled him to travel outside Jakarta on the day of the big demonstrations. His opportunistic traveling skills are developing well.

History: Poor performance. The recent banning of books about the 1965 army coup and Indonesia's colonization of West Papua show poor awareness of the need for truth-based history.

Economics: A good start, with the reappointment of Sri Mulyani as finance minister, but seems to have lost track of Rp6.7 trillion somewhere...

Biology: Poor awareness of animal conservation. Unable to help the defenseless anti-corruption gecko when attacked by the police crocodile.

Mathematics: Poor grasp of percentages. For example, apparently unaware that winning 60 percent of the vote in the election means there is no need for pussyfooting around.

Indonesian language: Does not really understand the meaning of words like "demokrasi", and takes criticism of him as dangerous.

Physics: Poor - appears to believe that water can be used as fuel. He was heard referring to this as "blue energy".

Overall: Yudhoyono is a promising pupil with an unfortunate tendency to become very easily distracted. His first 100 days were dominated by squabbles about corruption and a bank bailout, which meant he achieved almost nothing. Must do better.

Farewell to an Honest Politician

Abdurrahman ad-Dakhil Wahid, better known as Gus Dur, Indonesia's fourth president, died on 30 December 2009. The timing of his departure must have given those compilers of "Review of the Year" a bit of a headache as he would have missed the boat. In Indonesia, the effects were apparent in wall-to-wall TV coverage and the cancellation of a few new year fireworks displays. And of course the inevitable silly murder rumors - as if that would be worth doing now.

But he left an important legacy. Not the National Awakening Party (PKB), which resumed its civil war before he was cold in the grave, and which seems destined to shrivel away like other Indonesian political parties built around a popular figure (are you listening Megawati and SBY?). And not in any great oratory to be quoted down the years (except Gitu aja? Kok repot? [Is that all? Why such a fuss?]). Gus Dur stands out because he may have been Indonesia's only honest politician.

Despite the poor reputation of politicians, they don't lie all the time. There are three types of political lie: the factual lie (Example: Indonesian students burned down the Senen market in 1974 - it was actually the military trying to discredit protesting students); lies of opinion or belief (I really care about the people - Example: just about everything Suharto said) and lies about intentions (ditto). Of these three, in democracies, the first kind is the most risky because things get found out. If they do come to light, it's often the end of a political career (but not always). The latter two are impossible to prove either way because opinions are unprovable and because "the best laid plans of mice and men..." respectively.

But Gus Dur appears to have avoided lying almost entirely. Of course he had his flaky moments, and arguably describing the House of Representatives (DPR) as a "kindergarten" was a factual lie - they are nowhere near as well-behaved as infants - but he seems to have been honest in all he said - even if it was destined to land him in trouble.

He protested about the actions of the dictator Suharto - by direct letter on occasion. And during his presidency, he went to East Timor to apologize for Indonesia's occupation, he threw an extremist Muslim leader out of the palace halfway through an audience, he tried to have the antiquated ban on even discussing communism lifted, he visited Israel, he made Chinese New Year a public holiday and lifted the New Order racist ban on the use of Chinese characters, and he made lots of good jokes. And all the time, he said what he thought.

He paid a heavy price for speaking his mind. Not only did the Indonesian "Military" oversee his downfall from the presidency in 2002, allowing his replacement by the more malleable Megawati, but a mysterious car crash in the 1990s paralyzed his wife. Ironically, Gus Dur's own father died in a car crash - perhaps that's where the idea came from...

There are many self-serving Indonesian politicians who would do well to follow the example of Gus Dur. Don't lie about your income, origins, convictions (moral and criminal), intentions, number of wives or past. You may be surprised how much good it does you.

Bye bye Gus Dur. Indonesia is a sadder place without you.

Fux Populi

Well it's all over bar the corruption. With the bothersome necessity of the election behind them, the new faces in the House of Representatives can get down to the serious business of clawing back the money they had to spend to get there in the first place – and then some. The cash they splurged out during the election campaign was really nothing more than an interest free loan to the poor. Now it will have to be repaid in the form of bribes to the legislators funded out of services that should have been provided for the voters.

Kompas newspaper featured a scathing cartoon a few days ago. A poor boy and his father are standing amid the rubble of a post-earthquake scene. The boy asks, "why isn't your political party setting up aid posts for the victims?". "The election's over now," replies the father.

And the snouts are already nearing the trough. According to the 6 September edition of the Jakarta Globe, the inauguration of the 692 recently elected legislators will cost almost Rp35 billion, or more than Rp50 million per elected official. Of course at only Rp200 per voter, this is only the start. Mind you, it's still enough for 70 modern community health centers....

Phew!

So it's all over. The Constitutional Court decided the voters (and all the polls, before and after the vote) were right and Megawati and Jusuf Kalla and their running mates with dodgy human rights records lost.

True to past form, Megawati's supporters ran riot, starting fires in the street and causing traffic jams as is their wont whenever Mega fails to become president. Strangely Kompas newspaper failed to report the disturbances - it must have cost the PDIP - Mega's party - a fortune to keep that out of the press. Megawati herself is sulking as usual, and has said nothing beyond a grudging statement that she "understood" the verdict, which given her famously limited intellectual capacity is perhaps the most we could hope for. Her running mate Prabowo must be seething. He put so much money into the campaign (or rather his brother did) and it was all for nothing. Of course there is a chance that Prabowo will try again in 2014.

And that's not really an option for Jusuf Kalla, Megawati or Wiranto, who will be 72, 67 and 67 respectively come the next election. Kalla has said he would go back to his home town if he lost, and Mega has implied she wouldn't try again if defeated. Wiranto might have another go, but voters may scorn a two-time loser (hear that Mega?).

Given that Jusuf Kalla stood on a Golkar Party ticket against President SBY, it's possible there will be no seats for that party in SBY's new cabinet, which is presumably why current Coordinating Minister and mega-tycoon Aburizal Bakrie is frantically trying to get the party chairmanship following Kalla's resignation. After all his Epicentrum construction project is in trouble and he needs a key positon to ensure he has enough clout to keep the creditors at bay....

Meanwhile the head of the incompetent General Elections Commission (KPU), Abdul Hafiz Anshary, has refused to resign, saying that to do so would break the law as Law No. 22/2007 says KPU members only step down if they are sick, die or are fired...

The election may be over (even though the fat lady hasn't sung), but politics continues...

NOT FAIR .. I want to be president!

So SBY won, as predicted. Ex general Subianto Prabowo, who owns 90 horses but has been promoting himself a champion of the poor, and who bought himself a vice-presidential ticket from Megawati Sukarnoputri has not stopped sulking since the opinion polls during the campaign showed he and his has-been sidekick were not managing to bribe their way to popularity. Then came the quick count polls on election day that showed SBY with just over 60%, Mega-Prabowo with around 37% and the joke pairing of Jusuf Kalla-Wiranto on 12%. NOT FAIR - the polls have been fixed, cried the disgraced former general. Then the results started trickling in showing similar figures. Prabowo then accused the Gneeral Election Commission of fixing the results to match the quick count polls, claiming that he had a poll showing very different numbers. And finally the General Elections Commission announced the final result: SBY with just over 60%, Mega-Prabowo with around 37% and the joke pairing of Jusuf Kalla-Wiranto on 12%.

In a sulk, Megafatty and Prabowo refused to attend the announcement of the results - at least Kalla and Wiranto turned up for that - and now both pairs of losers plan to contest the result. What does Prabowo want? The results of the poll he commissioned to be used as the official result, or a rerun of the poll? He'd take the first option if he could and does not seem to realize that he'd lose a rerun because the people are not as stupid as he hopes they are, and would rightly punish him for being such a poor loser. He does of course have Megawati to learn from in that regard. Having failed to be crowned president in 1999, she settled for the number two job until she could work with her former enemies in the military to oust poor old Gus Dur and claim the top job just like Daddy. She then did nothing for three years and was defeated in the 2004 presidential election. She didn't accept that result either and refused to speak to, yet alone congratulate her successor.

So despite the statements that all candidates were prepared to accept victory or defeat, the childish actions of the losers show them to be unfit for the jobs they failed to get. Phew!

Putting the Boot in

The election campaign is well underway, and dear me! What a bore. The problem is that all the candidates are terrified of saying anything they could be attacked for, so are sticking to safe ground. The first presidential debate was a classic example. Former (failed) president Megawati actually did rather well, saying more in one evening than she said during her who pitiful two years in the palace. Anyway after a two-minute waffle about overseas workers, President SBY actually said he "agreed with her 200%". Hmm. Hardly a war of words. Incidentally Megawati seems to be running the same campaign as her (failed) attempt to get reelected in 2004 when she went on and on about how she was the prettiest candidate (like this time, the others were all men you see). If she makes the joke ONE MORE TIME, Pemiloopy is going to feature an unkind jibe about the size of her behind.

Anyway, in the absence of any real debates, thank Dawkins there is some entertainment to be had. It's known as "black campaigning", and it's much more fun that the ordinary kind. For example, because they are too frightened to attack SBY directly because he is too popular (yes, I know how weird that sounds), his opponents have decided his mild-mannered running mate Boediono is fair game. So what have they come up with? "He's a neoliberal!" Gosh. What's that then? Well, it's something to do with the free market (you know, not subsidizing fuel for rich car owners or trying to buck the market). Presumably they sat down and thought this one up together. What has Boediono done to deserve this heinous insult? Not sure, but it seems he got a PhD from the Wharton School of Economics, which is a FOREIGN place. Even then, it doesn't add up. In the first place, when he was finance minister, Boediono was responsible for paying off lots of Indonesia's foreign debt (accumulated due to the incompetence of Kalla's Golkar Party) and twice substantially reduced inflation. And he helped invent something called Pancasila Economics, which is based on the village system and is aimed at reducing inequality.

In more "black campaigning":

• Boediono's wife is not really a Muslim, and may even be a Catholic (too silly for words)
• Megawati sold off national assets when she was president (er... true, but necessary)
• Both SBY and his running mate are Javanese (er... true but so what)
• Wiranto was involved in human rights violations in the past (see above)
• Prabowo has dual-nationality (not true, and why on earth would it matter?)
• SBY and Boediono's wives don't wear the Islamic headscarf (true, but so what?)
• Prabowo is immensely rich, but is proposing a "people's economy (OK, that one's true)
• Kalla's companies would become nepotistic and corrupt if he is elected (become?)
• Prabowo was involved in human rights violations in the past (duh...)
• SBY is a ditherer who finds it hard to make decisions (true)

You see. Much more fun that agreeing with each other 200%

The Things They Say (3)

Ex-general Wiranto guested on a chat show last week on Metro TV, a station owned by Suarya Paloh, a key figure in the Golkar Party (the vehicle of president Suharto during Indonesia's New Order military dictatorship). Wiranto is running for vice-president, despite saying he only wanted the top job (see Number Ones Only Please) - the presidential candidate is chair of er... the Golkar Party. Well, that explains the fawning and sycophantic nature of the interviewer.

Anyway, Wiranto was asked how he came to have so much money. "I was surprised to find myself so rich", he purred. Apparently he scraped together Rp81 billion (around US$8 million) from his meager salary as Army commander to buy a few parcels of land, and inflation did the rest.

Anyway, on to the thorny question of human rights. "Are you a human rights abuser?" smiled Andy F. Noya, the friendly interviewer. Shameful as it is to report, the audience laughed!! Perhaps there is something funny about murdering people, burning their homes, pouring concrete in irrigation ditches and herding thousands of people across the border that had escaped me...

Anyway, back to the ex-general. After saying that claims made at the time of his unsuccessful 2004 presidential bid were no longer valid, he had the bare-faced cheek to claim he had never been indicted. Hmmm. Let's have a look at The Guardian dated 25 February 2003. In case any Wiranto fans are too lazy to use their right fingers for anything other than shooting unarmed civilians, allow me to reproduce the headline here:

UN indicts general for East Timor crimes
Clear enough. That makes the above quite a lie. Murdering pig.